Roots vs Petals

Why is it that growth happens in the dark before the light?

We don’t think about the very beginning stages of growth as something to be admired. If you think about the root system compared to the budding flower or towering tree, it isn’t something to behold. I personally would rather look at the beautiful colors and textures of a flower or leaf than the rough and mixed up mess of a root system. They root system isn’t pretty, doesn’t seem to have any sort of rhyme or reason to it, yet it holds the foundations of every natural plant in the world.

I’ve been thinking about my journey lately. My many years of “failures”. Trying to get one business off the ground just to start another after self sabotaging it or just understanding that it’s just not the right time. I do think that all things happen for a reason and life comes with its ebs and flows. The seasons of “unfinished” projects is hopefully coming to an end as Im learning more about myself, how I work, what motivates me and what scares the ish out of me. I feel like I know myself, I understand my limitations and the fact that I will need to grow out of them. And that is what this season of solitude has encompassed for me.

I needed some time for self reflection and boy did the pandemic help with that. We had it rough but we are still so so blessed. And through it all I am reminded that its ok if now one sees your growth or if its a jumbled, mixed up mess. Its growth. And when the timing is right, it will give life to something so so beautiful.

This post is my reminder to not mind the ugliness of the mess I see - when my internal being is going through growth. But instead, to embrace it knowing that the longer it takes to grow in the dark the more beautiful and long lasting the tree will grow.

The thank you letter we should all write to ourselves.

“ Some women are lost in the fire, others are build from it”

Thats a loaded little quote isn’t it?

Strong women, where do they really come from? I fully believe that they are not born, but are made. Formed by their life experiences, heartbreaks, their successes and their failures. We as women must become longsufferers in order to get to where we want in life. And usually our roads are long, strenuous and ultimately never really end. It sounds rough but have you ever met a woman who captivated you from the moment you saw her? Even more so when you got to talking to her? She would proceed to tell you that she “just went for it and figured it out along the way…” She would tell you she made adjustments based on whatever the next step was and that she always knew to be flexible with herself and the process.

When we think of this woman we want to be her. To be her we need to walk life with intentionality and courage. Think of the woman you want to be. How would she speak? What would she say to you, in this season of life you are in?

Everyone knows that written exercises are powerful. So I decided to really think about it and came up with this letter to my future self and it turned out better than expected.

The Heart: This exercise comes from a place of grace. Grace for yourself. Grace from God - knowing that we are enough where we are at. That the things we want out of life already have our names on them. That all we need to do is rest and take in the grace we do my best to extend to others.

I hope you can take this letter and use the beginnings of each sentence to guide you into self reflection.

“To my future self.”

Thank you,

For allowing yourself -to make mistakes, learning from them and pivoting when needed.

For embracing - the seasons of solitude and leaning in when they came.

For running towards - the things that scared you, they became the doors that opened up freedom.

For refusing -to live life in a negative metal space and always finding a way out into the light.

For loving - the people closest to you with intentionality and kindness.

For doing your best to - rest and work hard when the time called for it.

For keeping your gaze - on things above and seeing light in all things. For never forgetting - that you are not of this world.

After I wrote this out it is I realized that everything I wanted to hear someone tell me and to remember - was all right there. Sometimes our loved ones don’t have the words. They don’t know the deepest parts of us, really. But God does. And if we prayerfully do this exercise I really believe there will be a pressure that releases. Life is hard sometimes and little activities like this can help us reset and focus us on the things that matter. This exercise isn’t about pride - but created to give you a little credit if you are feeling worn down by life or uninspired. If you are in a great place, its to encourage you to keep going. To keep doing good knowing that you are at your best when you understand who’s you are.

If you’d like to share this with your friends - Here’s an image you can share on all platforms. :)

Signing off for today.

Warmly,

Janna Tenney

It's NOT postpartum - its a faulty connection

Struggling to connect.

We all love our children, we all hear stories of post partum depression, about the mom struggles of sleep deprivation, the this that and the third. What no one told me was that is was possible to have an emotional/physical disconnect between you and your child. It happened to me and I felt ridiculous thinking that I didn’t know if I loved/was attached to my baby girl likeI should be.

Wait, but that doesn’t sound like unconditional, motherly love/connection. There are plenty of people that love their children without being enamored with them - which is where I feel like I have been for a minute. All I can say that all of it takes time. that sometime you won’t know the cause of the disconnect until a bit later (months or like me, years ) when you can look back a patterns you didn’t know existed at the time.

History

A bit of a back story on my family history - Im second oldest of a six child household. My mother was an early childhood edjucator, had a childcare turned center for most of my life. There is not a time I remember that I wasn’t surrounded by children. And I loved it - I would have much rather hung out with children than people my own age most of the time.

First Year Of life

Fast forward to my experience with my daughter, Mila. I did not experience euphoria or any crazy emotional changes (other than the regular hormone balancing out post birth and when my cycle returned) when she was first born. My husband Ryan cried and I went right into responsibility mode the moment she arrived. That was my perspective moving forward. She was now my responsibility and being someone who was around children I pretty much knew exactly what do. And time went on with me being completely unaware of the lack of personal obsession/connection with my child. It wasn’t bliss. She was a hard kid, had colic, cried a ton, would hate it if my husband watched her. She wanted to be held but not cuddled. It seemed she herself didn’t want physical affection - which to me is a love language. The first years was a blur of beautiful and very difficult moments and all the while I felt nothing. Like she was a God given human that was now my responsibility but I didn’t need particularly need to like in order for her to grow in our family for the next extended period of time. Sounds…. not the healthiest, I know. But before you judge -

Patterns

I am a strong willed human by nature and due to my perspectives as a first generation American - I saw and understood the struggles my family went through and fully comprehend that everything good comes with a sacrifice of some sort. So I took the first two years of her life as a challenge. In that time we went through a global pandemic while living on a tiny island in the Pacific Ocean- Oahu, Hawaii, lost our jobs, lost our home, moved to states and now have finally come to a point of steadiness in the mountains of California. It wasn’t until I moved here and experienced a new friend being so innamered with her two children that I realized something was missing.

Looking back I realize that I disconnect myself emotionally from things/people that don’t serve/fill my positivity tank. I have what you could call a no BS brain and because I knew Mila wouldn’t be particularly “happy/positive” 90% of the time - I cut off my receptors to her. I saw her as a separate human who I was to take care of and nurture. My thought was “Just because I needed to be around her 24/7 doesn’t mean I needed to be effected by her in any way.”. It was how I dealt with my adult relationships prior to and decided , albeit subconsciously, that it was how I was going to continue. I did this in order to protect myself from going crazy the first year. If I gave into all of my frustrations I would have lost it on her sooo many times. I would have completely fallen apart. So I decided keep my heart separate for that time as security.

Something Changed

Mila Is now turning 2 and I can safely say that I miss her when I leave - I didn’t before and now I do. WHY? I think her starting to communicate which helped a lot. Communication gave us a common ground where before there was frustration on both sides. Over the last few months she has really developed her character and although stubborn and difficult she loves to laugh, dance and gets so much more excited about things. She is now a Positive presence in life for the most part and that is why I connect with her on a emotional level. - It could be a shameful thing to admit but we are talking candidly and I know that Im not the only one who likes their kids more as they have gotten older. The age and cognitive leaps play a big role in the way both parties relate to each other and that is not something to be ashamed of. We as moms are doing our best - We all have diffe4rent dispositions and personalities and will always have different experiences. Yours may not be mine. But to the woman reading this and nodding - I pray that you give yourself the time to grow into love with your child. It may take some time but I promise you, there will come a point when you feel that connection. You may not be aware of it happening but one day your heart will catch up with your head. Until then, do your best to love and be kind to your little and yourself.

Things you can do to help your mama self:

1. Take one evening a week (minimum of 4 hours ) to be on your own. FIND A WAY - i’m two years in and still haven’t gotten there.

2. Create an evening routine after the little is asleep - also haven’t gifted that one out but i’m working on it

3. Find small things to indulge in.

4. Don’t get frustrated with yourself when it doesn’t happen. But understand that if there isn’t a release then there will be difficulty keeping it together.

Warmly,

Janna Tenney